I stay my life alternating between “I’ve got totally this” and “I have no clue what I’m doing.”
I usually discover myself questioning each transfer I make whereas additionally saving inspirational quotes on Instagram that attempt to persuade me in any other case. I’ve realized that I can begin to doubt myself in beneath 30 seconds, whereas encouraging myself often requires a yoga class, chocolate, and a break free from my cellphone.
But one thing else I’ve additionally realized is that although it appears as if I’m on a rollercoaster of changing into and unbecoming, I all the time take the journey. Even when I really feel afraid of the heights my desires will take me to, I nonetheless get up and attain for them every day. I get again in, and I benefit from the thrill as a lot as coming again to stable floor. I embrace each the phobia and reduction. I rejoice within the buildup and the freefall. I come again to myself time and again.
Some will say that is the definition of madness. I say that is the definition of perseverance. To come back again to what scares you and to do it anyway as a result of you realize it’ll change you for the higher—that’s highly effective; that’s stunning. Not everybody on this world could be prepared to not solely face their fears but additionally face themselves, day in and day trip. So to these of us who select to not solely take the journey and take our egos with us: We’re those who could make it by means of something. We're resilient.
It takes a particular type of soul to maintain attempting to make your manner in a world while you really feel like your ft by no means really contact the bottom. It takes a robust coronary heart to push previous worries and doubts to maintain reaching for desires, pretending that you've got it found out. However right here’s the factor, we don’t have to fake. As a result of guess what? Nobody actually is aware of what they’re doing. Nobody actually has it found out. However a few of us select to maintain taking that curler coaster journey and luxuriate in life whereas looking for who we had been meant to develop into.
And if I’m sincere, I really feel like an imposter most minutes, hours, and days of the week. Typically I’ll get a recent cup of espresso, placed on some jams, and actually really feel like I’ve obtained a grasp on this entire life factor. Then generally I spill my espresso, drop my AirPods, and notice I wasn’t even holding on. It’s messy, however it’s actual. And when somebody compliments me? The shock I show isn't from a humble place—I actually am shocked. And once I achieve one thing, I go searching for the opposite shoe to drop. Typically, although, I let myself soak within the feeling of possibly/maybe/presumably figuring out what I’m doing.
After which, I hold going.
I hold going as a result of I can’t not pursue my desires. I can’t not go after what I imagine in. I can’t not chase my needs. I can’t not throw my coronary heart into the ring and battle my ego for what I do know I deserve. Typically I don’t belief myself, however I nonetheless do it. From the summit to plummet, I’m all in for the journey. As a result of I’ve by no means been somebody who might simply watch life occur from the facet. So even when I’m getting thrown round and round and always the other way up, I’d select that over a easy life any day.
As a result of the individuals who suppose they’ve obtained all of it found out? They don’t. And in the event that they act as they do? It’s both as a result of they’ve by no means confronted their demons or they’ve by no means skilled what it feels prefer to take your soul for a journey. Those who don’t have it found out? We’re those who create change. We break the foundations to allow them to be remade. We’re the wild ones. The resilient ones. The dangerous ones. The wtf-am-I-doing ones. The I-hope-this-works ones. The let’s-try-this-again ones. The omg-I-really-did-it ones.
We’re those who get to take pleasure in each angle, gradient, tilt, and perspective life has to supply. We might have espresso stains and hair that by no means stays in place, however we’re the fortunate ones in the long run. As a result of we select to maintain going in opposition to the chances. We resolve to maintain attempting, even when our personal ego tells us to not. I do know it could not all the time seem to be it, however it’s rattling good to be certainly one of us.